Taken 2

Whenever I do something sketchy, like ask a nun to call me a cab or frequent “le weird bar” (see photo below), my friends and I joke that lucyinparis.com is going to be renamed lucygetshershitstole.edu or, worse, taken2.org.

So imagine my surprise when I learned that Taken 2 was an actual movie coming out this fall! If you haven’t seen Taken, it’s basically like Finding Nemo but with real people. Liam Neeson is overly protective of his daughter because she’s retarded he’s an FBI agent, but then one day she’s all, “I’m gonna touch the butt!” and gets kidnapped by some Turkish dudes who want to take her to a brothel at P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney, and all Marlin Liam Neeson has to work off of is one kidnapper’s voice saying “Shark bate, ooh ah ah.”

Anyway, my friend Gabby and I went to see the 2nd one today. In Taken 2, the kidnappers’ families are all verklempt because Liam Neeson is a total BAMF and will stop at nothing to rescue Nemo, so they decide to kidnap him, his daughter, and his wife AGAIN. What’s crazy is that this whole situation would be completely avoidable if Nemo hadn’t taken a cab with that cute French guy in the beginning of the first movie. The moral of this story is TAKE THE METRO.