No Country for Old Penis

Everyone who’s anyone is involved in the General Petraeus scandal. I mean really, at this point I just feel left out…

In a nuthouse nutshell, General David Petraeus made the mistake of having an extramarital affair with this super intense West Point chick, Paula Broadwell, who was writing her doctoral dissertation on their pillow talk. They even set up an email account where they saved their sexts as drafts, a technique used by terrorist organizations. Nothing says romance like an illegal gmail account.

She’s totally hot, but apparently totally hot-headed too, because she started writing threatening emails to Jill Kelley. Jill Kelley is a volunteer “social liaison between the local community and the base.” Aka she and Petraeus are “just friends”……with benefits.

So Jill is actually pretty interesting: she’s a Tampa socialite (like the kind you probably seen on one o’ them Real Housewife shows!), she has an identical twin sister (kinky), and she’s in debt up to her eyeballs (trendy). What really captivates me, however, is the fact that she has South Korean diplomatic plates on her Mercedes.
Now how does one acquire THAT?! I think I took enough Korean boys to formals back in my prep school days (shout out to my first-ever boyfriend, Dong Hun!) that if anyone deserves South Korean diplomatic plates, it’s me.

Anyway, as anyone being harassed by her secret lover’s lover would do, Jill took that shit to the FBI. That’s right, she went straight to the big dawgs. If you’ve seen the ABC Family original, you know that cyberbullying ain’t nothin’ to funk with.
And that was the end of that love triangle. So you might think your Saturday afternoon Lifetime movie ends here, but oh no. Hold the Bollywood dancers because this soap opera has a last-minute plot twist: the shirtless FBI agent.

Turns out, Jill Kelley and Frederick W. Humphries, the FBI agent she contacted, have a history…the type of history that you want to clear from your Safari before your wife checks TMZ, the type of history that involves TOPLESS PHOTOS.
I know what you’re thinking: “This is so wrong!” “Since when do Republicans look that good?!” Like we didn’t realize Magic Mike was working this case.

In my opinion, this show jumped the shark circa the FBI call from Jill Kelley, but there’s more.

General John Allen, who succeeded Petraeus as commander of troops in Afghanistan AND is involved in a legal dispute with Jill Kelley’s twin sister, was also sending Kelley “inappropriate messages” via email. Get it, Jill!

In case you need a diagram:

AND, to top it all off, this whole scandal unraveled on Petraeus’s 60th birthday. No Country for Old Men Penis.

(original photos from the Herald Sun)

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